. · : · dark · dreams · : · .

this, where you look me up
with Hungry Hot Eyes
is my dream
my Butterfly Can't-Breathe dream
but
the absence of a Second Glance
crushes my Heart-Hope
that we would end the day Entangled



* * * * *



The Surrender When There Was No Fight


I live by your thoughts, your art
But what perplexes me is how I go about this so insanely


I fall so madly in love with he who preaches
Your thoughts
And could not imagine myself any more disturbed
Than one who drives past his garnished haven
Wondering where he is penning these words
That reflect the ultimate genius of you
Because that is who I am


I find myself sweetly consumed by he who spins
Your art, oh divinely-wrought art into sounds that dance in the dark
For the brightest lights boil my tears into living fire
And I could not imagine myself any more depraved
Than to feel you taste them on your tongue
Like water from the eternal living fountain
Because that, my love, is who I am


And for as long as I shall seek
To follow my heaven-given path just as they demand
I will come crawling, flying in colors
They have never seen
Only to find those who serve you
And bow down.



* * * * *

Something beautiful
About not fearing anything
The world in irrevocable harmony
Igniting at the touch of my hand


And I walk as on water
Even while the flames lick
At my fingers


Something ethereal
In the way my step carries me
Night to day not once feeling my heart beating
Knowing it not to break


And I walk as on water
Even while the flames lick
At my fingers


And then


Something alarming
In the tremble I feel
At the slice of his words
And the flicker of blood


And I sink below the surface
Fall and taste and drown
Awe overtakes me
As I begin to breathe


Something terrifying
About the hum in my veins
The hand I reach out to
Pull him up


And I sink below the surface
Fall and taste and drown
Awe overtakes me
As I begin to breathe



* * * * *



Indestructible-
she thinks,
Is what i Was
Before i swallowed
what i was Never meant to taste.


and Now the glass is Broken,
Just under my stare
into the Reflection.
flat and cold to the touch,
But Twisted broken pieces,
Crystal Carnage of
the life that i once knew.


I love when the black tears in
And I don't know where I'm looking
Maybe I can forget your face after all


But sometimes I wonder
You're still able to reach me
With your laugh and eyes
So fierce
A world away
But still in my head



* * * * *



And now she's been
Where dreams have glanced
But still it tears her heart apart
Her mark is quickly fading


And now she's seen
The other side
The picture is no longer
Still so black and white


My lungs are electric
And I just wish you would
Transcend
You and me
How high could we go
If we joined forces



* * * * *



spent too many thoughts on you over the years
all that got for me, broken mirrors and tears
did i think somehow daydream turned solid?
guess i thought i was meant to have what i wanted


now
and now
what is there left for me
to steal from tonight?


can't fix my life up with glue from the gutter
gotta start my way back to when it was better
never thought i'd want to erase
the only part of me ever fell into place



* * * * *



why does one have to do with the other?
why should you come to love
the soul you took to bed
there is no evidence
you got inside his head


just because
you stop to try to breathe
everytime his eyes do not deceive
everytime the color of your mind
becomes exactly what you find
when you become together



* * * * *



I'd destroy myself
For you
In the hope that
If we one day fell apart
I could pick myself
Back up


I'd take the time
I had with you
Though my monsters
Would reveal
I had something
To lose


Isn't it worth
To never have
To wonder if
We could've jumped
Off the edge
Of the Earth
Hand in hand
And still survived..



* * * * *



Reach out
Just give me some
Of your Sanity
Then maybe I could learn
to look away
And rid myself ot his
Happy Sense of Vanity


I'm thinking
I'm breathing
I'm believing
I could really
Lose touch
With the ground
To which I'm bound


Let's see if we can
Fashion something human
Out of what I see in you
Is it made of molecules
Or is it something
To me new



* * * * *



I heard a string ring out
A metallic sound at 2am
Oddly foreign
The air is roaring
Is it the wind?
Or just the highway in the dark


Fuck you, I said
I will not close
The lids of my eyes
Until I am good and broken



* * * * *

hello- I say- I'm in Paradise
hang my head from the
Window, sweet
Of this air a Breath suffice
thirst Quench eyes Sate feet Bare


could you?
gods forbid the sun erase my Blue
for how long?
until the River no longer sings my Song
forever?
yes yes Yes, and happily After


why, wherefore
you're just drunk on
the Junk of Here Now
no No!- let me go,
to this I shall bow.

Barbwire Eclipse
Rating: R
Disclaimer: I don’t own anything.
Summary: Day 3 11:00 P.M. - 12:00 A.M.... What if Nina was convinced?



We set off
Into the unknown
Until we destroy everything and are dominant
Once again in the back where we ride
The barbwire returns
In my mouth, ripping up an old healed wound

Sigur Ros “Ny Batteri”



She had hoped there would be a day when Jack Bauer would be at her mercy like this.


After years of working alongside him, but him always in charge, and never knowing who she really was. And after him promising her he’d hunt her down and kill her, instilling in her the last bit of fear that could reach through to her.


She just didn’t know whether to kill him or have some fun with him first.


Nina slowly smoothed her palms along his clad thighs, her determined hands heading towards the crease below each hip, where she knew lay the softest skin Jack owned, skin untouched by bullet or scar. She felt him tense, but all she could think was that she could remember the taste of that crease.


She looked up at him with a dirty smile, her dark hair falling across her eyes. She was feeling oddly excited by this game. The man radiated power, she had to give him that.


Maybe something could have developed between them in a different life, if it weren’t for those damn morals of his.


And maybe if she hadn’t taken away his Teri, he wouldn’t have been so opposed to anything happening between them again. When it all came down to it, she did feel bad about that, but she wouldn’t have done it any differently.


She only wished it wasn’t Jack she hurt.


His eyes burned into her when she met his gaze, and she remembered how long it had been since she had the opportunity to study the planes of his face so closely.


Was it four years?


Four and a half, at least.


Four and a half years since Jack moved inside of her desperately, as he breathed words reeking of guilt onto her skin.


Her gaze dropped inadvertently to his chapped lips, and she knew what she wanted to say.


A wicked grin played at the corners of her mouth as she breathed, “Convince me.”


Her eyes flickered back and forth between his disbelieving eyes and those parted lips that she couldn’t help but want to touch with her own.


A half-hearted smirk crept onto Jack’s face, and suddenly his mouth was on hers. God, had she missed this. Hot tongue, rough lips, brutally taking her mouth and making it his goal to be conquered.


She almost let herself go to the heat that traveled through her entire body at this first contact.


Almost.


“I’m sorry, Jack, “ she said disdainfully, surprisingly managing to not show him how much he was affecting her.


He was adamantly quick to reach for her again, but she pulled back.


“I’m sorry, Jack,” she repeated, shaking her head.


Apparently he thought that she meant she was sorry for what she had done, in some respect- which, of course, she wasn’t, for she made sure to never live with regrets if at all possible- but she meant that she was sorry for what she now had to do to him.


Because he couldn’t make her believe that he had changed.


There was no way.


* * *


Jack swallowed the bile that rose in his throat at the thought of what he had to do to follow this through.


Ever since he found out Nina was a mole, he had seen every flash in her eyes of what he hadn’t known was a part of her.


The rage, the impatience, the sadistic sense of power she got from playing games with people’s emotions and people’s fates.


But what Jack knew was that this was also a weakness. If there was a remote possibility that Nina could take pleasure from her power plays, he knew there was a chance that her guard would be let down.


And then he could destroy her in the worst possible way.


* * *


More than slightly disappointed, Nina made a move to extract herself from between his legs.


It was time to quit amusing herself with the enemy. If Jack Bauer knew nothing but the way of the high and mighty assholes that ran his country’s government, then he deserved nothing but the gun.


And she was happy to do herself the service of getting rid of this crack in her character.


But before she could rise, a glint in his eyes made her pause, and suddenly she was very, very suspicious.


Things happened too fast for her to control, and before she knew it, her body sent signals to her brain and she realized two things.


One, his lips were once again coaxing open her mouth with a desperation she had only known once.


And two, somehow his hands were free, and his fingers had slipped into her tight-fitting black pants, and were insistently pressed against the place that burned for him the most.


Her eyes immediately rolled back into her head, and she gasped.


How did he do that?


Fighting her erratically jumping pulse, she met his knowing eyes and bit her tongue to keep from panting.


And there were times he rose to the challenge.


“Jack,” she forced out, inwardly grinning at his response. “I think I’m gonna need more convincing.”


And his fingers curled inside of her, slightly grazing a spot that made her inner muscles ripple with pleasure.


She rose, taking his hand, now attached to her most intimately, with her, and straddled his legs, leaning forward purposefully to press her breasts against his chest. Her hands slipped eagerly under his shirt and explored his heated skin.


He continued to touch her with the finesse she recognized, like a recurring dream- or nightmare- she didn’t know which.


And they fought silently.


She gasped and shuddered as he brought her closer. And closer. To completion with movements that made by other men, usually only began to stir things in her.


The fact he didn’t want to want her, and that she wanted him to want her, while being unable to control her want for him meant everything.


Control.


She goddamn hoped that he didn’t know, despite all appearances, that she long ago gave up all control when it came to submitting to the powers of one Jack Bauer.


Nina buried her mouth in the soft skin of Jack’s neck and thrust forward against his lap, his hand still trapped between them.


He groaned and murmured hotly into her ear, “Let’s finish this, Nina.”


She was dimly aware of him raising her to a standing position to divest her of her pants. She was quick to free him from his jeans and then they were together.


Her short nails dug sharply into his back as his teeth scraped against her collarbone, and she ground down onto him deliberately.


She came, hissing his name, and closed her eyes, her nerve endings still on fire while he continued to move up into her to bring himself to completion.


She lost all sense of everything again as she realized she had Jack again. She never thought she would.


Jack smiled- dangerously- she thought.


“Let’s have a talk with Amador.”


* * *

"Tev ir kautkas iedzimts"... ok, mother, dear, am I an alcoholic now that I can hold my liquor? Why don't you look around you and see that everyone else knows how to have a good time, while you're left in the dust.

Beginning to have doubts about the skydiving.. people that are usually pretty open-minded are telling me to wait.. is it really that dangerous? Aren't you ALMOST guaranteed to be okay if you use good equipment and learn carefully??

.. when I've thought about this so long. Why does it always come down to money? How frustrating is it that I might not be able to study out of the country now due to lack of it? This really, really, really is the only thing that will give me an edge so that I can obtain the education I NEED in order to start EARNING some serious bucks in the first place. My life just needs to go a full circle, what the hell?? Where and what is my karma doing?

one of those days where you decide to be deliciously ambitious. my work-study hours have gone from 5 to 12- yay! i will be able to afford more than groceries! video ipod here i come. maybe i'm on my way to my million. :S in our 13 minute macroecon discussion session today, we had to say what we would do with our million... i said "travel, travel, travel", but i suppose i could get an aston martin too. scheduled a pre-law appointment, and registered for free credit overloading. hell yes. now let me sleep.

how does one find the right way to sleep? the right hours, the right amount of time, the right way? at school i have the problem of having to wake up way too early every morning, which exhausts me during the day, so that by dinnertime i'm ready to crash. odd that i would get my energy back late at night, though, and thus prolong the actually "going to sleep." and there goes the same cycle that starts all over again.

here at home, i can't break the habit of retiring before 2am and waking before noon.. it's like a new circadian rhythm that i've established, despite the lack of difference in light presence. i think it is screwing with me though, so i wish i could learn to control it in a more advantageous way. it makes me horribly disappointed to find that i cannot for the life of me find anything online on circadian meditation or sleep yoga.. what would be more perfect than being able to rest up your body in one tenth of the time?

People confuse me. They play so many games.. and I don't know why I even care, when I DON'T care about my so-called "opponent". They can go jump off a bridge, and I won't be any more worse for the wear. Then why try to make sense of the game? Maybe because I want to win. I want them to be under my power, even if I am not under theirs. I've always managed to hide what they all do to me, now I want to be able to see what I do to them.

i decided it's time to pull every aspect of my life together.. not that i'm a complete mess, but there are areas of improvement. now that my career path has changed completely, maybe i can learn to lead a lifestyle to match it. start eating better, work out a helluva lot more, learn better study habits, because it is definitely not gonna get any easier if i go to law school. it'll be interesting to see how fast i can do it all. i think it'd be cool to master it all, and not have to worry about bad habits bringing me down and controlling ME. i'd like to have a bit of self-discipline when it comes to things other than alcohol.

speaking of which, i need to clean up my room and start packing for going back to my apartment and for the trip to arizona.. i really should start planning some other trips, too, actually. like to L.A... and sanja and i are supposed to go to tunisia in the summer. yeah right, i think i need to hijack a cargo plane for all the traveling i want to do.

maybe i should start this again. not that i ever entertained the idea of having a constant repartee with myself in the form of an online journal going, but i did think it was nifty at one point. and it beats talking to yourself.

so. i think it's odd that we are one and all obsessed with the online world nowadays.. it's the only way anything gets done.. how did we do it 10 years ago? everyone must've been so disconnected from one another, locked away in their houses with no words or thoughts or art or stories or news to share with eachother. now, turning on your computer is a necessary part of the day. i know that i'm going to have to take a vacation from it eventually, but i can't imagine it happening now.

what else is on my mind? how about irina derevko, and the tricky web she weaves. i hear she is coming back "badder than ever"?? what the fucking hell is that about, i don't know why or how i am so attached to the happenings in a telly show, but it hurts me to think about that. i don't want to second guess her amazingness and feel this sinking feeling in my stomach every time i'm doing something and i suddenly remember that her motives have yet to be revealed and her allegiances are uncertain. don't even get me started on sark and sloane, they are just as bad. communicate, communicate! you fucking fictional characters.